One man is bravely and single-handedly creating a swatch of horrible video game adaptations. That man is Uwe Boll, and he is to be feared. The really scary thing is that after House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark, somebody gave him more money for BloodRayne. Plus, he has yet more adaptations on the way. BloodRayne benefits a little because it does not take place in the present (and does not have Tara Reid playing a scientist), but still suffers do to a nonsensical story, bad acting, and choppy editing.  Another slightly redeeming factor is the decision to rate the film R, which allows for more violence and some completely gratuitous nudity (including the silliest love scene in recent memory).  But this is pretty much a given after realizing that the company that made the BloodRayne video game offered up some naked pictures (digitally rendered) of Rayne, the game's heroine, in an issue of Playboy a while back.

The most apparent fault of BloodRayne is the terrible acting, with Ben Kingsley as the worst offender.  Kingsley (Oliver Twist, A Sound of Thunder) has some of the strangest taste in roles.  He seems to veer from very good choices (House of Sand and Fog) to terrible ones (Thunderbirds).  As Kagan, Kingsley is stuck well in the latter.  Also awful are Michael Madsen (The Chronicles of Narnia:  The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, Sin City) and Michelle Rodriguez (S.W.A.T., Blue Crush), who both sound like they are reading Guinevere Turner's (American Psycho) script for the first time.  Equally bad is Boll's decision to have them attempt slight accents and archaic forms of speech (which includes very few contractions).  This makes them sound even clunkier than they already do.  Madsen, Billy Zane (Silver City, Vlad), and Matt Davis (Heights, Seeing Other People) all have laughable haircuts, while Will Sanderson (Alone in the Dark, House of the Dead) tries so hard to look tough that he looks constipated.

The "story" revolves around Rayne (Kristanna Loken, Terminator 3, Panic), a half human-half vampire.  She is out for revenge against her father Kagan, who murdered her mother.  He is also the most powerful vampire in the world, and is looking for three ancient artifacts.  To uh, become more powerful.  Opposing him is Brimstone, a secret society of humans that live in on a secret island that looks like it's only a few hundred yards away from shore.  Vladimir (Madsen) knows about Rayne and wants her help in defeating Kagan.  Katarin (Rodriguez) is suspicious, and Sebastian (Davis) still has awful hair.  Rayne finds the first relic, an ancient eye, far too easily.  The race is on, and Kagan hunts Brimstone and Rayne, while all three search for the remaining items.

But there are some huge holes in the plot.  What was Rayne doing for all these years?  Presumably, she is in her late teens/early twenties.  There is no explanation for her memory loss, and no explanation why somebody didn't find her before.  In the meantime, the characters do some pretty moronic things and get into all sorts of violent fights.  In a particularly amusing scene relatively early on, Vladimir and company descend upon the remains of a circus.  They go around burning and decapitating corpses while the other survivors look on, thoroughly bored.  Uh, if these other people knew that the dead would become vampires, why didn't they do anything about it?  And if they didn't, would it seem a tad disrespectful if a bunch of strangers with bad hair rode in on horses and begin chopping everybody up?  But blood spurts everywhere.  Neato!  And these "hidden" relics are ridiculously easy to find.  Getting them serves more to have some action sequences that vaguely resemble games (jump over the blades!) than any sort of plot.  Boll uses lots of red tinting in the initial scenes, probably for effect, but it makes any action hard to see.  He cuts quickly between shots during fights making them hard to follow and disjointed.  Worse, the fights are clumsily choreographed and look far too fake.  Rayne's chief weapons are two blades she holds that balance against the underside of her arms.  It sounds cool, and looks cool in the game, but also comes across as clumsy.  But the real question is why companies keep throwing money at Boll to make these adaptations.  Critics hate the films.  Audiences do too, since they make so little money.  Gamers presumably are part of that audience, and they aren't seeing the movies.  So why do they keep coming out?

Haro Rates It: Really Bad.
1 hour, 34 minutes, Rated R for strong bloody violence, some sexuality and nudity.

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